How to Explain Mental Load to your Husband or Partner

 Mental load is a topic consistently talked about in therapy with women. In terms of motherhood, it describes the invisible weight of planning, organizing, and remembering everything to do with the children and/or household. One question I get asked often is “How do I explain mental load to my husband?”

First step is self-awareness: To explain it to others, you must have clarity with yourself.

Here are some signs of carrying a high level of mental load:

·       You constantly feel drained, burned out, and/or have difficulty with making decisions (“decision fatigue”).

·       Feel like you are the manager of all things in your household and may also worry what would happen if you attempted to delegate.

·       Notice you are more irritable or angry, often without a clear source.

·       Toggle between “mom guilt” and feeling underappreciated.

·       Have consistent or increased frustration/resentment with your partner.

At first glance, these signs may seem disconnected from each other. These could also be signs of a different problem. The last one is starred because if you are experiencing this, it’s likely either because the emotional connection in your relationship is disrupted and/or you are carrying a high level of mental load. Either way, it’s a signal that it’s time to refocus on your relationship and on yourself.

Second step is to set yourself up to address this with your partner.

If you are actively angry at your partner, it may not be the best time to talk to them about this. Optimal timing would be when both partners are in a neutral or happy mood, meaning they are more receptive to communication.

However, as busy parents, these opportunities may be slim to none. If this is the case, you can set yourself up to have this conversation by getting yourself in a neutral or happy state first. This may require you to step outside of the problem for a moment. It may be helpful to remind yourself about their positive qualities, loving interactions, or a time they were supportive. Some examples of self-talk could include the following statements:

·       “I remember when….(fill in with a happy time for you both”

·       “I love this ______ about them”

·       “He’s a great dad (could also think of specific examples)”

Thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behavior. This exercise is not an effort to ignore a problem. The purpose is to reduce your anger or frustration to baseline to have a productive interaction where both people can feel seen and heard.

Third step is to communicate how you feel with your partner.

This step is not clear cut for every couple. I don’t always recommend a face-to-face interaction for all, especially if either or both partners have difficulty with conflict. Sometimes starting with a text can be a great first step.

The sandwich approach to communication is a helpful way to deliver information without the person feeling criticized. In this case, the first part is something positive about them, the middle is the problem (meat), and the last part ends with positive feedback or a hopeful statement.

In the context of explaining the mental load, an example could be:

“I can see how hard you are working for our family. I would never want to switch places with you or do your job. But sometimes I feel really alone with the day to day responsibilities of keeping up with the house, taking care of the kids, and all the things behind the scenes that are so hard to explain….like keeping up with the kids doctors appointments or figuring out dinner or changing out the kids school clothes. I feel so exhausted and it’s so hard to keep up and sometimes I even get frustrated with you, which I know isn’t good for our relationship. That’s why I wanted to bring this up to you so we can figure out how to be on the same page/work as a team/divide and conquer”.

The first two sentences describe appreciation for your partner/spouse, which is hard to do when you are angry with them! It’s also important so they feel understood and more inclined to listen with an open heart to the rest. The middle part is led by how you feel and could be general or could have specific examples. It is important to share how this problem impacts the relationship and end with “we” talk so a potential solution could be discussed.

Explaining the mental load or having communication about division of labor with your husband or partner can be challenging. Important things to consider:

·       More than likely, they are not aware of this phenomenon (could be many reasons for this) and its considered “invisible” because it’s hard to see a direct cause and effect.

·       It may be helpful to explore patterns in your relationship that are leading to this cycle.

·       Working on a resolution to this issue will take work and the commitment of each other to make progress. And it won’t be overnight! The sooner it’s addressed, the better for the health of your relationship as it will take time.

If you think this may be a problem you’re struggling with, it can be helpful to do a deep dive into the complex thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing, including how this impacts your mental health and relationship and brainstorm potential resolutions. Contact me below to find out how to get started.