Low libido Postpartum
Although not typically the main reason for seeking counseling, many postpartum women are concerned about low libido or sex drive after having children. There are so many causes for low libido, including anxiety, depression, stress, hormonal fluctuations, and relationship problems. Often this side effect is the symptom of one or more of these larger problems. This post is meant for those who are cleared by their doctors to resume intimacy with their partners. Here are 6 ways to potentially improve low libido, specific to the postpartum period:
1) Exercise: Preferably on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to be a full-blown work-out. In fact, walking (outdoors is even better!) is one of the best forms of exercise, especially for newly postpartum moms. The key is to move your body. After having a baby, we spend a lot of time feeding and holding our babies and not a lot of time intentionally moving our bodies, which is a key to overall health.
2) Prioritize Downtime: On the flip side, it is equally as important to give yourself downtime. My definition of this is when you are relaxing and not attending to any tasks or caregiving responsibilities. This is a time when you are just being you-the you that you knew before you had children. If you go, go, go all day like an energizer bunny, your adrenaline will be high and then you will need to recover from all this stress on the body. I will talk more about this in future posts but in this context, it is difficult for your libido to turn on with this pattern of stress.
3) Address any underlying marital issues and/or improve emotional connection: This one is obviously huge. One of the best books I’ve ever read and often speak about with clients is “The Five Love Languages”. The premise is that we all have at least one main way that we communicate love to others (and would like to have communicated back to us). Once we know what that is for ourselves and our partner, we can focus on speaking each other’s love language to improve emotional connection. The five are: words of affirmation (tell your partner why you love them), quality time (one-on-one communication without interruption), receiving gifts (could be monetary or not), acts of service (doing something for your partner-example: doing a household chore they typically are responsible for or bringing them water in case they’re thirsty), and physical touch (massage, hugs, kissing, sex). These are all important for any relationship but if one or both partners aren’t having their priority need met, the connection will start to suffer. For example, if you’re a quality time person-its extra important to have date nights with your partner to enhance the connection. And if your partner’s language is physical touch, they may feel extra rejected when you don’t kiss them when they come home from work. Even if no big issues exist, there is always room to strengthen the partnership, especially after having a baby.
4) Prioritize a transition time between “mommy mode” and “naughty mode”: You can’t be expected to go from putting the kids to sleep directly into bed with your spouse. Your brain is still focused on being mom and attending to your children’s needs. It is crucial to give yourself some time to transition. During this transition time, you can shop for lingerie (even if you don’t buy it!), read part of a romance book, watch a rom-com show, or anything else you can think of that gets you out of thinking about the kids and into thinking about intimacy. During the day, you and your spouse can try talking or even texting about what will happen during your time together later. It’s also tempting to wear sweatpants and a T-shirt because, let’s face it, it’s comfortable! But you and your partner may be more in the mood later if you’re both wearing clothing in which you feel attractive. This is like the beginning of the pandemic when experts recommended still showering and dressing in your business casual clothing as usual even when working at home and no one can see you! The reason was that people were more productive and prepared for a day of working. Doing little things like this during the day helps prepare your brain for the possibility of intimacy later and may make the transition easier.
5) Identify possible physical causes for low libido: Part of this is understanding the menstrual cycle and leaning into normal hormonal fluctuations. The first half of the cycle is more of a neutral baseline, followed by ovulation (or fertile) week in which hormones like luteinizing hormone and testosterone are at their peak. This is the time when women naturally have a sex drive increase. This is nature’s way of trying to get you pregnant-even if you mentally don’t want to! The last half of the cycle is when progesterone is at its peak and the body is preparing for possible pregnancy-which means it’s not trying to get you pregnant anymore. This is also true after you have a baby and before your menstrual cycle returns. Low sex drive is also a common side effect of pregnancy. Another other health conditions, especially those that cause fatigue like hypothyroidism, are known to cause low sex drive.
6) Process negative thoughts related to sex: There are several factors that can lead to negative thought patterns about sex, including but not limited to: birth trauma, sexual trauma, pain or discomfort during sex (although this could also be caused by low estrogen levels), resentment toward spouse, or low confidence about body image. It’s also easy to view sex as a chore or another task for the day which may lead to avoidance, especially when your tired, burnt out, or simply exhausted after a long day.
Low libido is especially common after having a baby due to hormonal changes and focus on taking care of a tiny human. Many of the things you can do to improve your health and well-being, not surprisingly, can also improve sex drive. Even with all of these ideas in mind, it’s important to remember the time after a baby is only a season in your life and many of the above factors will improve such as getting more sleep, time to yourself, and ending breastfeeding, with time.
It can be helpful to seek support to process all these aspects, especially to process birth trauma or learn how to combat negative thoughts. Please reach out below to start counseling!
